Guilty, angry, and ashamed… that’s what I’ve been feeling for more than a month now.
That’s how long it’s been since I wrote my last Reflection here.
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to. It’s not that I forgot. Writing a post was on my To-Do list almost every day in February. I’ve started multiple drafts with different ideas.
I had all sorts of reasons. Some were legitimate. Others were feeble attempts to make myself feel better. (FYI – they didn’t work.)
And the longer this went on, the worse I felt as the voice of my inner critic railed against me.
“You SHOULD have sent something weeks ago. What’s your problem?”
“You’re never going to achieve your goals. Look at you – you can’t even keep a commitment to write one post a week.”
“Other people do so much more than you. You’re such a loser.”
“Stop sabotaging yourself and JUST DO IT.”
I know, I know. It’s not a very nice voice to listen to. The voice of our inner critic rarely is.
In truth, it increased my feelings of failure, shame, guilt and fear all the more. And since I
don’t like feeling that way, I kept making excuses. Justifying my actions. Promising I’d do it
next week.
Bottom line, rather than motivating me, my self-criticism paralyzed me. Voices of scarcity –
our own or from those around us – often do.
Either that or they put us in hyperactive mode – engaging in MASSIVE action so we can feel
better about ourselves. “If only I DO enough, maybe that will make me feel like I AM
enough.”
Thus, I woke this morning realizing that, once again, I not write a new Reflection again this
week. Instantly, feelings of guilt and shame came flooding back. (They hadn’t really gone
away – I had just ignored and buried them.)
I was angry at myself.
So I inwardly promised, “Next week I will… REALLY I will. I’ll have time and bandwidth to write
something REALLY GOOD.”
It was those words – “REALLY GOOD” – that woke me from my stupor. Like fog blown away by
a gust of wind, I suddenly saw the truth.
Again, I had been trapped in the “All or Nothing” pattern that has run much of my life.
Perhaps you immediately know what I’m talking about. Perhaps you’ve been mired in “All or
Nothing” many times yourself. Most of the people I work with have.
It goes by other names as well.
“Big or Nothing.”
“Fast or Not At All.”
“Perfect or Not At All.”
“Right or Not At All.”
“MY Way or NO Way.”
“Impressive or Nothing.”
At its core, it’s all the same pattern.
And what triggers it is the belief we have (conscious or subconscious) that we are not enough. Not good enough. Not deserving enough. Not fast enough. Not powerful enough. Not important enough. Not worthy enough.
You get the idea.
And so, to prove our “enoughness”, we think we have to do something BIG. (Or fast or perfect
or right. Or, in my case this past month, impressive.)
And when we don’t see a way to do that – when big, fast, perfect or impressive seems
overwhelming – we do nothing.
Throughout February, I wanted to write something powerful, impressive and inspiring that
would REALLY support you. Only nothing I came up with measured up. The ideas I came up
with weren’t “good enough”. When I DID have a potential idea, I didn’t have “enough” time to
write and edit it to make it powerful “enough”.
So I did nothing. Rather than show up AS I AM, sharing from my heart, offering what I could
to support you, I pulled away. I went into hiding. Waiting until I had the time and bandwidth
to write something REALLY GOOD. Something that I now see was more about me LOOKING
GOOD than about supporting you.
And the longer this went on, the more I felt embarrassed, guilty and ashamed. And the louder
the critical voices in my head got. Which only reinforced my sense of inadequacy and
inferiority. Which only had me feel more pressure to write something REALLY good and
impressive. Something that would be “worth the wait”.
That is what happens inside of the Archetype of Scarcity – where MORE is the solution to
“not enough”. Where our value and worth is based on what we do and what we have. On
EXTERNALS – both their QUANTITY and QUALITY.
I don’t know if this Reflection is worth the wait or not. God knows I have not spent my usual
amount of time editing and “perfecting” it. But what I do know is that sharing it with you is
me stepping out of scarcity. It’s me freeing myself from the All or Nothing pattern by doing
SOMETHING.
It is me reclaiming the truth that my worth is INHERENT. That it is not dependent on the
frequency, quantity or quality of what I do or do not do.
This is me honoring and accepting myself as I am, where I am. This is me coming out of hiding
and sharing the truth of my own journey to support and empower myself AND YOU.
Instead of staying disconnected, this is me RECONNECTING. Reconnecting with myself, with
you and with the God who created me and loves me as I am.
I do so because you might be stuck in the All or Nothing pattern in some area of your life
today. Thinking you have to do something BIG or PERFECT or IMPRESSIVE. Thinking that will
prove your importance, value or worth.
So you’re doing nothing.
Or maybe you’re just the opposite. You’re putting pressure and stress on yourself trying to do
it ALL, A LOT, or PERFECTLY.
If this is where you’re at today, my friend, then I ask you this one question.
If you had nothing to prove…
If you trusted your inherent worth and value…
If you were to truly accept and love yourself as you are…
What is ONE thing you could do – no matter how small or imperfect – to move forward? To do
SOMETHING and trust that it is “enough” for now?
Remember, my new definition of abundance reminds us that it’s not ALL up to us. Rather, we
are part of something bigger than us. Something more loving, powerful, creative, resourceful,
generous, intelligent, infinite and eternal than us.
You don’t have to do it ALL. You don’t have to be PERFECT. You don’t have to be
IMPRESSIVE.
Most of all, you don’t have to prove your worth. You can’t.
You are worthy as you are – because you exist. So am I.
You are important – because you exist.
It’s not what you DO – it’s who you are.
Right where you are. As you are.
All my love~
xoxo
T.