week ago Saturday, I felt completely overwhelmed and stressed. To deal with it, I wanted to do what I have done for most of my life. I wanted to HIDE. I wanted to cancel an event I had been looking forward to since March.
I was going to be hosting a group of women I’ve met through Polka Dot Powerhouse at our place. I hosted similar gatherings twice last year amidst the pandemic. With four acres, we had plenty of room to get together and stay socially distanced. It was so much fun that I scheduled to have them out again this past Thursday.
Except last Saturday I wished I hadn’t.
So I started praying for rain. Rain would give me a good excuse to cancel. And no one would think less of me.
You see, my friend, an old wound was rearing its head. Complete with stress, fear, pressure and shame.
I was afraid of what they would think. I was afraid they would think less of me because of the state of disrepair, overgrowth and clutter at our place.
Last year, it was easy. COVID restrictions made our house off-limits. And Dan and I were able to make the outside of our place look decent. But that wasn’t the case last Saturday. We were working our butts off to finally get our garden planted – in the midst of a heat-wave and drought. Which meant a lot of unexpected time and energy watering each day.
We didn’t have time to weed. Or cut the tall grass that hid the beauty of our pond. It was even too hot to mow – a 4+ hour project. Even worse, this year COVID wasn’t giving me the “safety” of not letting anyone inside our house. The house we hadn’t cleaned in 2+ weeks. With a kitchen table piled high with unopened mail and other papers. And reading piles on the floor in our living room. Not to mention the unfiled papers in my office.
This is why I felt stressed and overwhelmed last Saturday. I didn’t want them to see ME – the way I really am and the way I really live. To that wounded part of me, all those THINGS make me less than. They make me “not good enough” and unlovable. And because I judge myself in this way, the wounded part of me expects others to do the same.
It was that wounded part of me that saw canceling as my only option. Because there was no way that we had time or energy to make our place look “good enough” – inside and out.
I’m sharing my story with you, my friend, because I know I’m not alone in thinking (and reacting) this way.
In the world we live in, it’s so easy to think that what do or do not do measures our value. That our worth and importance is based on where we live, the car we drive, the job we have, the clothes we wear, the number who follow us on social media.
This is especially true when it comes to money. So often, the wounded parts of us think our net worth measures our self-worth. God knows that been true of me for most of my life.
All of which sets up a perpetual state of pressure, struggle, fear and lack. In reaction, sometimes we go into overdrive trying to make more, do more, have more, be more. At other times, we’re more likely to contract and try to hide – like I was tempted last Saturday.
But there is a THIRD option, my friend.
We can trust that our worth is inherent – given us by the God who created us and lives within us. We can trust that what we do, where we live, and the state of our finances has nothing to do with our value and worth. It does not make us more or less lovable.
You probably agree with me.
But it’s one thing to know something in your HEAD and another thing to LIVE it. To take a risk. To trust it with your choices. To support the wounded parts of yourself to be loved and healed.
Which is what I did when my Polka Dot friends saw me AS I AM – living how I live – last Thursday. Including the parts of my life (and house) that I don’t like but have not yet been able to change. It’s what I’m doing right now sharing this story with you – including the pictures I took of our house this week.
All that is ME loving me as I am. It’s me affirming that I am “good enough” – no matter what others may think.
And so are you, my friend.
Which is why I’m asking you to be honest with yourself today…
What’s one arena in your life where you’re trying to hide the truth of your life and yourself from others?
Maybe it’s your finances or your cluttered house. Perhaps it’s some problem you have or an emotion you haven’t expressed. It might be something else.
Whatever it is, I invite and challenge you to come out of hiding about it and tell/show one person (or more) the truth this week.
I know it may feel uncomfortable, scary and risky. I also know it’s the only way you will come to know yourself as inherently worthy. It’s the only way those wounded parts of yourself will begin to trust that you are lovable AS you are, WHERE you are, for WHO you are.
Because you are, my friend.
All my love~
P.S. Here’s an affirmation you can use that will encourage and empower you.
I am ____(insert your name)__. I am a child of God [Spirit, Universe, Source]. I am loved and accepted completely and unconditionally as I am, where I am, for who I am. I love and accept myself as I am, where I am, for who I am.