I had a major attack of the IBTs a week ago – better known as the Itches, Bitches & Twitches. Coupled with a major attack of the “I don’t want tos”. Under which was a huge cavern of fear deep in my gut.
DEEP has been the name of the game lately – especially on my coaching calls with Pat. We’re diving in and going places I have avoided going (or even LOOKING at) for years. And feeling things I have refused to feel for the better part of 50 years. It’s exhausting, terrifying AND liberating.
All of which got me thinking back to the summer when I was in sixth grade.
That was the year they built an indoor, Olympic-size swimming pool in Fairmont, Minnesota – my home town. It had two diving boards – a low board that I LOVED and a high one that terrified me.
As far as I knew, I was the only one who was so freaked out by the high dive. I refused to go on it. When the word got out about it, some kids started calling me “scaredy-cat”.
That hurt.
So one day, in a burst of courage, I decided to go for it. My arms and legs SHOOK as I climbed the ladder – gripping the railing like a vise. I crawled onto the board and then looked down at the water.
I FROZE.
I could hardly breathe. All my courage was gone.
But I couldn’t go back down the ladder. There was a line of kids waiting to go after me. Besides, if I did, I’d never live it down.
I also couldn’t move forward – closer to the edge of the board and the deep abyss beyond it.
So I just stood there, in the middle of the board, not moving. And the longer I stood there, NOT MOVIING, the more terrified I became.
People started pointing at me and staring.
Some were starting to laugh.
I heard a few voices taunt “Teresa is a scaredy-cat”.
It was true – I WAS. I just didn’t know what to do about it.
More kids started pointing at me and laughing. Their voices got louder.
“Scaredy-cat, Scaredy-cat! Teresa is a scaredy-cat!”
The kids waiting behind me started to get frustrated and added their voices to the din.
“Hurry up, will you? Stop being such a baby.”
I wanted to DIE.
Instead, I began to cry.
Suddenly, I heard my friend Lisa’s voice cut through all the other voices and sounds. “Listen to ME, Teresa. Just listen for MY voice. Will you do that, Teresa?”
I nodded, tears streaming down my face.
“You CAN do this, Teresa. Just do what I say, okay?”
I nodded mutely.
“Teresa – just take a step. Just ONE. You can do that.”
And she was right. I could.
So I took ONE step. I was still about seven feet from the edge of the board.
I heard Lisa cheer, “Way to go! You did it! Now – do it again. Just ONE step.”
I took another step.
Some of my other friends started cheering with Lisa. “Do it again Teresa – just ONE step!”
With each step I took, the edge of the board got closer. Four feet. Three feet. Two feet. One foot. I was at the edge.
My stomach did somersaults and I could hardly breathe as I looked at the water WAY DOWN BELOW.
I heard Lisa’s voice again.
“Okay Teresa – just ONE more step. Just like you’ve been doing. Close your eyes if you have to – and take ONE more step.”
I shook my head, terrified again.
“You CAN do this, Teresa! It’s just like all the others – it’s ONE step. We’ll be waiting for you!”
I closed my eyes, plugged my nose and stepped off the board. It felt like FOREVER before I hit the water. When I came up, my friends were cheering.
“I DID it!” I screamed.
I still had a grin on my face as I pulled myself up out of the water. Then, in another act of courage, I walked back to the high dive with my friends – to jump again.
As before, I was shaking as I climbed the ladder. And I was scared when I got on the board and looked down. I started to have second thoughts.
But then I remembered – ONE step.
One foot in front of the other, ONE step at a time, I walked the length of the board and off the edge.
I jumped off the high dive many times after that. EVERY time, I felt scared. Never as scared as that first time – but it was always there. It never went away.
So I responded to my fear just like Lisa taught me…
ONE step at a time – some bigger and faster than others – over the edge I’d go.
This is what I remembered last week when I was experiencing the IBTs – feeling frozen in fear, not wanting (or able) to move.
I was on the high dive again, afraid to go over the edge – to dive deep into the stuff that’s coming up for me. Areas in myself and my life that need to be faced. Opportunities for healing, growth, transformation and expansion.
So I became the voice of Lisa to myself. Telling myself – and those parts of me that were afraid – “we just have to take ONE step. We can do that.”
And I have. Even when I’ve felt afraid. Even when “I don’t want to.” And I’ve made a point of celebrating each and every one of those steps.
I still don’t know where they will lead, my friend. In truth, I don’t have to.
Once again, I can trust that I’m part of something bigger than me. Which means I can trust that I will have access to all that I need for each step along the way – including love and support.
And just like with the high dive back in sixth grade, every time I take a step, it gets a little easier. I’m still afraid, but I’m also proud. I feel more confident and peaceful – even liberated at times.
That’s why I wanted to share all of this with you today. In case you’re on a metaphorical “high dive” in some area of your life. In case you’re feeling paralyzed to move forward yet unable to move back.
Whatever it is, will you take ONE step today? Just for today, will you stop thinking about what MIGHT happen and focus only on taking ONE step – even if it seems like a “teensy-weensy” one?
I know you CAN – just like Lisa knew I could all those years ago. Trust me when I say that not moving only makes you feel more afraid.
Amidst all the voices of fear screaming in your own mind, will you listen to MY voice right now? Will you hear me and believe me when I assure you…
“You CAN do it, my friend!”
You REALLY can. The only question is…
WILL you?
I hope so. Know that I’m cheering you on!
With all my love~
xo
T.